Get Off LeBron’s Nuts, Everyone

I don’t even know how to begin this rant, so I’m just gonna get right into it.  It’s time to stop contorting everything LeBron James says and/or does until it takes the shape you’re looking for.  News is news, but goddamn, this dude generates more viral non-stories than the rest of the league combined.  Let me give you a few recent examples of what I’m talking about.

I don’t know about you all, but I head on over to Yahoo.com when I’m checking on NBA box scores, or looking for a statistic, or setting my fantasy lineup.  I think a lot of folks prefer ESPN, but I simply feel like their site is too busy and confusing.  Yahoo keeps it clean and simple.  ESPN brings you a lot of extra information, but it’s mostly stuff that I don’t really feel the need to know.  So, I roll with Yahoo.  Anyway, as I hit Yahoo’s home page on my way to the sports section I tend to scan whatever little headlines they’ve got featured in the slide show.  They’re usually some bullsh!t… something about a dress Kim Kardashian wore to some event or whatever.  Sometimes they sprinkle a little sporting news in there, though.  Recently, they’ve featured headlines such as “LeBron threatens to beat up heckler” and “LeBron James makes kid cry.”  So, uh, remember that word I used just a minute ago?  Contorting, I believe it was?  Yeah, well, I chose that one carefully, because that’s precisely what’s going on here.  To contort something means to twist or bend it out of it’s normal shape, and let me assure you that Yahoo (and not just Yahoo… pretty much every major media outlet) just f@cking loves to contort when it comes to LeBron James.  They take that King James Play-Doh and mold that sh!t until it becomes whatever the hell they need it to be to make him look bad.

First, let me explain the heckler situation.  Basically, some dumby in Washington thought it would be funny to make a LeBron’s mom/Delonte West joke.  I think you’re all familiar with the backstory there, and can understand why it would push the man’s buttons.  According to the heckler–who probably isn’t the most reliable source in the world, but that’s beside the point–LeBron’s response was as follows: “The only reason you talk sh!t is because you know I can’t come off the court right now and beat your ass”

You know I can’t come off the court right now and beat your ass. LeBron threatens to beat up heckler. Eh… no?  Although LeBron did express a desire to beat up a heckler, what he actually said was that he wasn’t going to beat him up.  “You’re lucky I can’t come off the court right now and beat your ass.”

A direct confirmation from LeBron that the heckler’s ass will not be beaten–that’s what that is.  It wasn’t a threat, you morons.  A threat is, and I quote, “a statement of an intention to inflict pain, injury, damage, or other hostile action on someone in retribution for something done or not.”

Like I said, LeBron did express a desire to whip the dude up, but that’s not the same as a threat.  LeBron didn’t threaten to do a damn thing.  He made his statement of intent–to continue to play basketball whilst refraining from whipping anyone’s ass.  It was the opposite of a threat; a f@cking reassurance!  So please, move along, idiots… there’s absolutely f@cking nothing to see here.

Okay, so we’ve straightened out the whole heckler situation, but now you wanna know why LeBron went and made a little kid cry.  Well, based on the footage, I’d argue that the kid never even shed a tear (and if he did he’s a serious pussy, straight up), but again, that’s beside the point.  The f@cking Play-Doh masters are at it again.  LeBron hustles to contest a shot, falls into the first row, happens to land on a kid, runs the other way ’cause it’s a live damn ball, but makes sure to check on the little guy during the next timeout.  Made a kid cry?  How about made a kid’s day?  Whatever bumps and bruises that kid suffered during LBJ’s crash landing are about to become prized battle scars when he shows up for school f@cking celebrity-status… all because of LeBron James.  Made a kid cry my ass… that kid was all smiles at the end of that video, and he’ll be all smiles thinking about that when he’s 117 years old.  F@cking Yahoo acting like he Paul Pierced the little bastard.

Look, people… just get off LeBron’s nuts.  You’re making yourselves look bad… f@cking dissecting everything he does from his morning piss to his goodnight prayer.  It’s stupid.  Let the man live.  Go ahead and be critical when it’s called for, but present the f@cking facts… not your latest Play-Doh sculpture.