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No, your eyes do not deceive you.  Today, the United States beat Nigeria by 83 points as they scored an Olympic record of 156.  They knocked down 29 of 46 threes, racked up 41 assists (to a mere 7 turnovers), and just generally dominated each and every moment of the basketball game.  Even as they began to slowly let their foot off the gas following an incredible 49-point first quarter, the shots never stopped falling.  The only thing that really changed was the pace.  Honestly, what I saw this afternoon was indescribable… but I’ll do my best.

***LeBron James and Kobe Bryant only played about 11 minutes a piece, but they each made plays that set the tone of this blowout.  LeBron recorded five early assists, establishing a certain degree of unselfishness amongst Team USA.  As for Kobe, he just came out like a house on fire, dropping tough shots in the faces of Nigerian defenders.  As hot as the Americans stayed throughout the entire 40-minute onslaught, the first quarter (49 points, 11 threes) was Team USA at its absolute best.

***Carmelo Anthony dropping 37 points to break Stephon Marbury’s individual scoring record of 31 was a wonderful thing to see.  No disrespect to Steph, but his name needed to be wiped clean from the Olympic record books.  Yeah, both he and Carmelo were members of the flawed 2004 team that failed to win gold, but Melo was just a youngin’ while Steph was one of the established veterans who failed to bring a winning attitude.  Carmelo has been excellent in international competition for a number of years now, and I think it felt as appropriate as it did fun to watch him singe the net with 10 three-point makes (also an Olympic record).  I wish Coach K had let him cook until he missed.

***Despite the fact that Team USA’s shooters faced little resistance from Nigerian defenders, this was one of the most incredible displays of outside shooting I’ve ever seen.  I don’t care if the gym is empty… 29-46, or 63%, is pretty good.  It was crazy how contagious the hot hand was in this game.  Seven different players made over half of their three-point attempts, including average outside shooters like Andre Iguodala (3-3) and Russell Westbrook (3-4).  Overall (twos and threes), James Harden posted the team’s worst field goal percentage as he went 3-8.  He was the only USA player who failed to make at least half his shots.  The entire roster of 12 played and shot, so that’s a pretty crazy statistic.

***Anthony Davis was going to play in the first half… except he got to the scorers table and realized he’d forgotten to put his jersey on.  Rookie mistake.

***When Davis finally did check in he immediately made his presence felt with an alley-oop dunk.  He converted at least one more lob before the game concluded, adding to the five he had against Tunisia.  At this point I think it’s safe to say Anthony Davis is leading the Universe in alley-oop dunks per minute.  Kind of forces you to wonder what could’ve been had Paul stuck it out with the Hornets.  I suppose that almost certainly wouldn’t have landed Davis in New Orleans in the first place, but still… it’s an interesting idea to ponder, I suppose.

***To Nigeria’s credit, they produced the highlight of the afternoon.  Tony Skinn had just one field goal in the game, but he was damn sure to make it count.  I hope James Harden stretched his groin before tip off…

I’ll do my best to add a few more thoughts (and a few more videos) later on, but I’ve got a game of my own to attend!

Insidehoops: My main man Sonny Weems, formerly of the Toronto Raptors, will be continuing his career overseas as a member of Euroleague powerhouse CSKA Moscow.  Weems was Euroleague’s third-leading scorer last season, posting an average of 15 PPG as a member of Zalgiris Kaunas.  He’ll be replacing Andrei Kirilenko.

NJ.com: Deron Williams confirms my suspicions that the FIBA basketball is slippery and overinflated.  He also says the rims are stiff.  The game was invented in the USA, so I’ve never understood why international regulations don’t call for a Spalding and a peach basket.

Twitter: Dante Cunningham, a native of the south, has been traded from Memphis to Minnesota, where he fears that he’ll turn into a popsicle.  Personally, I’d be less fearful of the weather than I would be of my new practice responsibility: keeping Kevin Love off the glass.

Pro Basketball Talk: Andrei Kirilenko feels like “a young deer,” which means he’s signed a $20 million deal with the wrong pack of animals.  It was Milwaukee you were looking for, Andrei!  Milwaukee!

Fox Sports South: Josh Smith and new Hawks GM Danny Ferry have been sharing ideas.  I’d love to listen in on a basketball discussion in which Josh Smith shares his ideas.  I bet they’re all about jump shots, and most of them are airballs.

Clutch Fans: This was originally reported by the New York Daily News, so take it with a grain of salt, but Kevin McHale reportedly pitched a fit when the Rockets allowed Goran Dragic to walk.  Can’t say that I blame him.

Yahoo!: Adrian Wojnarowski reports on the collective desire of NBA owners to get their prized players out of the Olympics.  If you take Wojnarowski’s word for it, we’ll “never, ever” see a player such as LeBron James in the Olympics again.  We’ll be seeing him in the “World Cup Of Basketball” instead.

Charlotte Observer: LeBron James: “When asked about the baskets’ backgrounds at the Olympic basketball arena, where there is a relatively wide gap in the end zones between the fans and the court, James said: ”I don’t know; I’m not a shooter. You’ve got to ask one of the shooters. I drive and dunk the ball. (It) doesn’t bother me.”’  Well okay then.

NBA.COM: Suns owner Robert Sarver likens the successful management of an NBA basketball team to a game of tennis.  I didn’t know they could sell draft picks in tennis.

NBA247365.COM: In case you missed it, I posted an article about Jamaal Magloire yesterday evening.  I feel that the article (which is really a list) captures the very essence of this blog, and it’s one of my favorite submissions to date.  For this reason I am going to promote it until it receives a comment.  That is all.

About a week ago it was learned that Adidas and the NBA would give new life to 12 classic uniforms from the latter part of the 1990s.  Today, an image of all 12 throwbacks leaked, presumably from an Adidas catalog.  As I’d been hoping, the initial visual looks awfully promising.  Each and every one of the Hardwood Classics jerseys appears identical to its 1990s version, which helps to eliminate my fear that they’d completely mess this up.  Without further ado, here’s your sneak preview of the 2012/13 throwbacks (courtesy of SneakerWatch.com).

The Milwaukee Bucks jersey comes as a pleasant surprise.  I thought we were going to get the late ’90s version with nothing but “Bucks” written across the front, but instead we’ve been given one of my personal favorites, the “deer in the headlights.”  All of the others are exactly what I had expected to see, which is fantastic.  My only concern now is that the big, screen-printed designs on some of these jerseys will look strange on today’s materials (I’m assuming they won’t make these out of mesh).

Whether or not Adidas and the NBA plan to sell authentic versions of these, I’m still not sure.  I think they’d be foolish not to as I’d literally start throwing money at them, but I don’t believe they retailed any of the ABA throwbacks from last season, and I doubt that they need or care about my money.  If nothing else I’m sure they’ll auction off some of the game-worn items (but those are expensive and unwearable. PLEASE, NBA, release these to the public!).

I am officially very excited.

Having been teammates since 2002, Manu Ginobili and Tony Parker know a lot about playing together.  They know a lot about winning together, too, with hundreds of victories and multiple NBA championships under their respective belts.  It would certainly be fair to call the duo experienced, but there is one challenge that neither player has ever faced: a game against the other.  Come Tuesday, when the Olympics will pit Ginobili’s Argentinians against Parker and the French, that will change.

So… how does one prepare for a game against his teammate of a decade?  Today, Ginobili shared his strategy (via My San Antonio)…

LONDON — Manu Ginobili says he’s been giving his Argentine teammates a few tips about how to play Tony Parker.

“Go right up to him,” Ginobili said, “and go ‘whooo!’”

Ginobili blew air out of his mouth.

“That should fog up his goggles,” he said.

Hopefully Tony catches wind of this remark and installs a defroster.  As for Boris Diaw, another Team France member and NBA teammate of Ginobili’s, I’m curious to see how he’ll react when Luis Scola attempts to distract him with a McDonald’s french fry.

Ever since starting this blog I’ve intended to make a post about Jamaal Magloire.  It’s something I’ve been saving for a rainy Sunday in late July.  Well… that rainy Sunday in late July finally came, and so did the post about Jamaal Magloire.  Enjoy.

#10: Magloire is one of just 12 players from the 2000 draft (that god-awful class that spawned most of my childhood heroes) who put on an NBA uniform in 2011/12.  Not only that, he is one of three players from that draft ever to have been selected for an All-Star game (more on this in just a moment).

#9: As a rookie Magloire blocked 6 shots in a game against the Atlanta Hawks.  That’s not a record—Ralph Sampson once swatted 13 shots as a rookie way back in December of 1983—but still, 6 is pretty good.

#8: Only Kevin Garnett and Tim Duncan recorded more double-doubles than Jamaal Magloire in 2003/04.  The Big Cat had as many double-doubles (45) as Yao Ming and LeBron James combined for that season (!!!).

#7: Magloire scored 19 points to lead the East in scoring at the 2004 All-Star game.  Had the East not been beaten (and they only lost by four) he probably would’ve been the game’s MVP.  Yeah, he may only have qualified as an injury replacement for an injured injury replacement, but he also hung 19 on prime Shaq.

#6: Steve Nash could dominate ’til he’s 50, but he’ll never be the first Canadian to suit up for the Toronto Raptors.  That’s Jamaal Magloire, son.

#5: Magloire won an NCAA Title at Kentucky and left for the NBA as the school’s all-time leader in shot blocking… and yet, for some reason, people don’t talk about him nearly as much as they do Anthony Davis.  I don’t get it.

#4: To my knowledge, Magloire is the only player ever to have recorded 20 or more rebounds as a member of the Bucks and Hornets.  Lots of people have probably played for the Bucks and Hornets, so I consider this quite an accomplishment.

#3: As a member of the Heat Magloire once won me a fantasy basketball match up by going 2-4 from the floor to help me edge my opponent in the FG% category.  I made the playoffs that year, and I think I even won a round.

#2: Even in his prime, Jamaal Magloire’s leaping ability was similar to that of an arthritic sumo wrestler.  Yet, somehow, he managed to become one of my favorite dunkers of the past decade.  Despite being able to achieve almost no hang time whatsoever, Magloire managed to pull off some incredibly-unique aerial feats; most notably the blindfolded 360.

That’s got to be the most underrated in-game non-poster dunk of all-time.  Who even thinks of doing something like that in an actual NBA game?  What Magloire lacked in athleticism he more than made up for in creativity and style.

#1: Magloire is the only player in NBA history to dodge a charge and score a layup by virtue of being ridiculously slow.  Watch as his sloth-like movement totally fakes out Pat Burke, whose photograph does not appear next to the word “mobile” in the NBA247365.COM basketball dictionary…

Seriously, if that isn’t the greatest thing you’ve seen all week, then f@ck it; I’m done trying to convince you that Jamaal Magloire was that dude (he was, goddammit).

***Although he took just six shots, LeBron James left his fingerprints all over this game.  The King finished with eight assists, including a high-speed, no-look dish which whizzed past the head of Boris Diaw (video to be added if and when I can find it).  Oh, and then there was this one…

I imagine James would’ve finished with at least 10 helpers had Team USA been able to find the center of the rim in the first 20 minutes.  Also, Deron Williams had a slick behind-the-back drop pass to Kevin Durant in transition, but Durant was fouled as he attempted to dunk the ball.  Had the play been completed it may have been equally spectacular to LeBron’s.

***Kevin Durant (sans hair) finished as the game’s leading scorer with 22 points.  Kevin Love was the second-leading scorer with 14 while 6’9” big man Ali Traore led France with 12 (Traore was his team’s standout player, making a variety of pretty moves with his back to the basket).  Neither team shot the ball particularly well, but France was putrid from the outside (2-22 from three) despite being left open frequently.  USA was able to get into a rhythm in the second half as the game opened up and whistles became less frequent (30 fouls were called in the opening 20 minutes… let me assure you that the first half wasn’t easy on the eyes).  The 27 assists with which Team USA finished is an indication of how well they passed the ball.  Box Score.

***Doug Collins made a point about Nicolas Batum… something along the lines of “he has a tendency to blend in sometimes.”  This is one of the reasons I felt that Minnesota offered up too much money, and while one no-show in the Olympics obviously fails to prove anything, Batum went just 2-6 (0-4 from three) for 7 points and 2 rebounds today.  Only time will tell, but I don’t feel that his impact will ever justify an annual paycheck of 10 million dollars.

***Craig Sager, who looked totally out of his element reporting news in a bland blue polo shirt, provided us with some interesting insight between the first and second quarters.  Apparently, every member of Team USA was provided with a Molten FIBA basketball to practice with in the weeks leading up to these Olympic Games.  However, according to Sager, the balls that are actually used in the games are brand new, causing them to feel slick and overinflated.  Throughout the first half especially I took note of the NBA players from both teams looking noticeably uncomfortable with the ball in their hands.  Even elite ball handlers like Tony Parker and Chris Paul showed a bit of uncharacteristic clumsiness as they attempted to make moves.

***The starting guards of Team France (Nando De Colo and Tony Parker) committed a combined nine turnovers.  Team USA’s main focus has been to “cut off the head of the snake,” or to suffocate the opposition’s ball handlers.  Parker, one of the top guards in this tournament, had little impact on this morning’s contest.  Mission accomplished!

***Tyson Chandler (10 minutes), Carmelo Anthony (17 minutes), and Kevin Durant (28 minutes) had nine boards a piece as Team USA dominated the glass 56-40.  France isn’t a team with great size, so dudes were able to throw their weight around a bit when the whistle wasn’t blowing.  Tough to say how this type of rebounding effort will translate against bigger opponents what with all of the strange officiating that seems to go on.

***According to @ESPN_Numbers, Team USA is now 5-0 all-time against France in Olympic competition with an average margin of +30.2.  This basically sums it up: USA got off to a slow start but pulled away and dominated as they often do.

Orlando Sentinel: The Magic have a new head coach: Jacque Vaughn.  You may remember Vaughn, a former point guard of the Jazz, Hawks, Magic, Nets, and Spurs, getting his ankles broken by Allen Iverson.  Vaughn is still just 37 years old, which makes him younger than three players on the New York Knicks.

Larry Brown Sports: Not surprisingly, Pau Gasol relishes the un-Laker-like role he plays as the most prominent member of Team Spain.  It makes him feel like “a beast.”

ESPN: Glen Taylor’s money is burning a hole in David Kahn’s pocket.  After having his ridiculous offer to Nicolas Batum matched by the Blazers, Kahn contacted 31-year-old Andrei Kirilenko and agreed to give him $20 million over the next two years.  Despite the fact that the oft-injured, sometimes-emo Kirilenko is cresting the hill, Kahn reports that his new acquisition feels “as good as he’s ever felt.”  Sh!t, with a new $20 million deal and a wife that allows canoodling with other women, I’d imagine he is.

The Windy Apple: Team USA looking foolish at the Olympics opening ceremony.  Players most likely to wear this outfit again under their own free will: Tyson Chandler, Russell Westbrook.

My San Antonio: Tim Duncan stays doing extremely admirable things, such as taking an $11 million pay cut for the upcoming season in order to allow his Spurs to make some moves.  I’m not saying any of them should, or that I would if I were in their shoes, but imagine if LeBron James, Dwyane Wade, and Chris Bosh all agreed to pay cuts in the range of $5 million a piece.  Just throwing that out there.

Shreveport Times: Every so often I still conduct a google news search for “Stromile Swift” hoping to learn that he’s planning some sort of overseas comeback.  Instead, I’ve discovered that he’ll be playing in the prison yard.  Assuming I’ve understood this article correctly, the Stro Show will be crashing the court at New Orleans’ Parish Detention Center on October 19th.  Damn.

Hip Hop Since 1987: Is it old news if it was never news in the first place?  Back in mid June, Lou Williams released a terrible rap/r&B collaboration with a couple of the dudes from Jagged Edge.  The sonic disaster begins with Williams brashly approaching the woman he desires: “I’m Lou, who the hell is you?” He goes on to explain that he has trouble expressing himself in crowded rooms, hence the rude introduction.  He then delivers a cheesy compliment—“you’re a bomb like ‘boom!’”—before laying out his intentions rather bluntly: “baby I’m trying to bag you.” Boy, Lou sure does have a way with words, and with the ladies.

Pro Basketball Talk: The Phoenix Suns missed out on Eric Gordon this offseason, but they may have a shot at James Harden next summer.

Ebay: For only $1,500 you may place the opening bid on a special pair of Amare Stoudemire Air Force Ones.  For $2,000 you can save yourself the hassle of bidding and secure the kicks right damn now.

The Basketball Jones: According to his trainer, Carmelo Anthony “is not a fat ass.” According to this BMI calculator (and NBA.com’s height/weight listings of 6’8” 230 lbs), he is “overweight.”  Sorry, Melo, but the National Heart and Lung Institute is definitely more of an authority on this matter than your trainer.

Sometimes it’s best not to over complicate things.  Clearly, the NBA’s schedulers got that memo.  When the full-length 2012-13 season tips off on Tuesday, October 30th, we’ll be treated to a predictably-delectable National TV opener: the Boston Celtics will be in Miami to watch LeBron James and company hoist a banner… an event which figures to be awfully awkward for one Walter Ray Allen.  Then, on Thursday, TNT’s coverage will resume as the Knicks and the Nets battle for superiority in the City of Gotham (I just watched Batman).  ESPN has its first slate of games on Friday, when the Heat will visit Madison Square in an undercard bout leading up to the battle of LA.

So, the NBA’s given you four must-see match ups in the first four nights.  Throw in the debuts of Anthony Davis, Michael Kidd-Gilchrist, and Thomas Robinson along with Jeremy Lin’s return to New York, Steve Nash’s return to Phoenix, and Carmelo Anthony’s return to Denver (no, he still hasn’t been back) and you’ve got the obligatory “top ten must-see games” piece that every blog on the net has whipped up in the past few hours.

I sat down in front of my computer this evening to construct a post like that myself.  Then I realized the choices were so goddamn predictable that reading it wasn’t even going to be worth your time.  So, I asked Twitter to suggest an alternative, and Twitter delivered.  What we’ve got here is a list of 10 games you can probably nap through; ten “must-not-see” games, if you will.  Shout out to my good friend @thedescender for the awesome idea.

#10: San Antonio @ Minnesota, Mar. 12th, 8 PM: This game represents the meat of a three-game, four-day sandwich for the Spurs.  Coach Pop and company will battle the Thunder at home on the 11th before heading up north, only to return to Texas for a duel with Dallas on the 14th.  If you thought you were gonna see Tim Duncan face off with Kevin Love… you thought wrong.  Enjoy your supersized portion of Tiago Splitter.

#9: Orlando @ Chicago, Nov. 6th, 8 PM: With or without Dwight Howard, who won’t even want to be on the floor, the Magic don’t present a whole lot of entertainment value.  Here they are playing the Rose-less Bulls in what will probably be more of an offensive struggle than a defensive battle.  No thanks.

#8: Houston @ Chicago, Dec. 25th, 8 PM: Again, Derrick Rose figures to be out until the spring.  With all due respect to Jeremy Lin and Jeff Teague’s little brother, I’ll watch the Christmas Story.

#7: Houston @ Toronto, Dec. 16th, 1 PM: How can we make a bad Western Conference team look even worse?  Hmmm…….. OH, I know!  Let’s schedule them to play on the road at what would be 12 noon in their time zone! Fantastic f@cking idea, schedulers.  Jeremy Lin will probably set a turnover record as he sleepwalks up and down the floor.

#6: Philadelphia @ Toronto, Nov. 10th, 7 PM: On the second night of a back-to-back Kwame Brown and the Sixers travel to Toronto to take on Andrea Bargnani and the Raptors.  Also, there’s the presence of Spencer Hawes as well as the obligatory Andre Iguodala airball.  You aren’t setting your DVR for this one.

#5: Atlanta @ New York, Jan. 27th, 6:30 PM: Josh Smith… the main man… at The Garden… on ESPN… Sunday evening… prime time.  I’m saying three airballs, bare minimum.

#4: Philadelphia @ New York, Nov. 4th, 12 PM: Not only do they have these dudes playing in New York City at noontime, but it’s only the sixth day of the goddamn season.  I’ll be very surprised if either team shoots over 40%.  I feel rusty just thinking about it.

#3: Golden State @ Portland, Apr. 17th, 10:30 PM: Ladies and gentlemen, the final National TV game of your 2012/13 NBA regular season!  Seriously though, what are the odds that either of these teams will have more than five or six healthy players come April 17th?  Yeah… this one definitely gets the nod for “game Mikki Moore is most likely to appear in.”

#2: Charlotte @ Detroit, Apr. 12th, 7:30 PM: April 12th is about the time when bad teams go ahead and start five D-Leaguers.  I suppose this could turn into a Ben Gordon revenge game, but the potential excitement there is negated by the possibility of a Corey Maggette sighting.

#1: Washington @ Cleveland, Oct. 30th, 7 PM: I love Kyrie Irving as much as the next man, but this sh!t’s gonna overlap with Miami’s banner ceremony.  Debuts of Bradley Beal and Dion Waiters be damned, this one’s gonna have to be placed on the back burner.