If we’ve learned anything about Michael Beasley over the course of his young NBA career it’s that he marches to the beat of his own drummer. Beasley, whose Twitter handle [disclaimer: it's unverified, but seems highly authentic] is @IMABIG0, doesn’t tweet as much as some of his peers, but he’s still been active enough to provide us with an interesting window into his everyday life.
What you’re about to read is my idea of what a typical day in the life of Michael Beasley would be like, based on my observations of his Twitter timeline. I’ve read through over 1,000 of his tweets, and I’ve used some of the more interesting ones to construct a semi-factual story. All highlighted text will take you directly to a tweet from Beasley (or a tweet/photograph pertaining to him), while the rest of the ink is filler based upon my knowledge of our subject.
8:00 AM: After a quiet night spent reading up on primitive erotic art, Michael Beasley wakes up to catch a flight. He quickly gets dressed, tosses some clothes and assorted toiletries into a knapsack, and heads to the garage. Before he gets into his S-Class Mercedes, he stops to take photographs of the AMG decals.
9:53 AM: Naturally, Super Cool isn’t super timely. Unfortunately, he’s more than fashionably late. He misses his flight, which departed at 9:45, because he wasted 15 minutes trying to upload those photos of his Mercedes to Twitter.
10:00 AM: Since he no longer feels like flying out on this particular day, Michael Beasley elects to have his Benz wrapped in matte black. When you’re Michael Beasley, you make decisions like this pretty spontaneously, and that’s okay, ’cause you’re an NBA player and you don’t need an appointment.
10:57 AM: While he waits for his Benz to be wrapped, Beasley summons his driver (and his Bentley) to take him to the mall. He sparks one for the ride, then proceeds to spend more money than most of us make in a year. There are some things, however, that not even Michael Beasley can afford.
1:17 PM: Having finished with his shopping, Beasley is suddenly hungry as f@ck, and he’s equally thirsty for a good time… so he calls his boys and organizes a gathering at the local Dave & Buster’s. At Dave & Buster’s, he hears the new Willow Smith song. He sends his driver to go cop two copies of her album, ’cause the track is “all the way dope.”
2:39 PM: The car’s in the shop, the mall has been bought, and Dave & Buster’s was a blast. Ever seeking an alternative to boredom, Beasley figures this is a good time to get a tattoo. On his philosophical gangsta tip, Mike elects to put a clever acronym on his chest: H-O-O-D, for Holding Our Own Destiny.
6:26 PM: Finally back home, Super Cool is ready to watch some TV. Trouble is, he can’t find the remote. He does happen to find a purple pack of Skittles under the couch cushion—a very pleasant surprise—and it turns out that his favorite show, Doug, is on Nick! About the only thing that could f@ck this up is a power outage.
7:32 PM: The power has returned, and the phone rings. It’s the auto shop. The Benz has been wrapped, and it’ll be dropped off shortly. When you’re Michael Beasley, you get valet service.
7:51 PM: The Benz arrives, and the smart phone comes out. Remember, there’s no point in blowing money on dumb-expensive stuff if you aren’t gonna show it off on Twitter. In the name of stunting, Beasley also photographs his mall haul, which includes two Rolex watches, the new Air Jordans, and about 300 hats.
10:43 PM: Late-night workout to offset all of the unhealthy activities that took place throughout the day. Workouts make Super Cool super hungry, though…
12:32 AM: …and he knows Wendy’s is where he can eat great, even late! Beasley drools over the thought of a spicy chicken sandwich (or two, or three). He hops in his Batman Benz and hits up the drive thru. It’s still open, but they’re out of spicy chicken sandwiches. Always a cool character, Beas tries to take the bad news in stride… but he’s sorely disappointed. He becomes more upset with his apparent lack of luck when he realizes that he left his Willow Smith CD in the Bentley. He’s forced to settle for Nipsey Hustle and a Baconator.
2:00 AM: To conclude an exhausting day of poor planning, irresponsible spending, and E-stunting, Mike listens to a few sappy love songs, downs a Spongebob juice, and cries himself to sleep. It may seem as if this young baller has it all, but his insecurities are eating him alive.
The moral of the story? If you aren’t following Michael Beasley (@IMABIG0), you’re doing it wrong.